Protecting the child, a collective responsibility 2

Hello my people, I hope you are having a wonderful week so far. I certainly am. I have loads of gist to give you about what has been happening but before then, I need to get this very important topic on child sexual abuse that I started with last time concluded. To refresh your memory on what the last post was about click here:

Here are some existing myths about child sexual abuse:

  1. Child sexual abuse is rare and does not happen often: A lot of people think that child sexual abuse is rare and does not happen often- this is a myth. Statistics have shown that one in four girls and one in ten boys in Nigeria are abused before the age of 18 years old. Just imagine 4 girls standing together, now there’s a huge possibility that one of them has been sexually abused! That’s really scary.
  1. Child sexual abuse involves only forceful penetration: Wrong! According to UNICEF and other research, child sexual violence can take the form of sexual abuse, harassment, rape or sexual exploitation in prostitution or pornography. These acts could involve physical contact or non-physical contact for them to constitute sexual abuse.
  1. Only strangers can sexually abuse children: Studies have shown that it is those who are quite close to the family of the child, that abuse children, not necessarily strangers. Studies in Nigeria have shown that girls first sexual experience occur in the following order: romantic partner- friend – neighbour – classmate – stranger. While boys first experience is in the following order: classmate – neighbour. You would be surprised to know that house helps, drivers, relatives and family friends are perpetrators of child sexual abuse. Also, children are most likely to experience sexual abuse in the perpetrator’s home, in their own home, at school or someone else’s home (e.g their friend).
  1. Only adult men can sexually abuse: Wrong! Women can also sexually abuse boys. A couple of adult men have admitted that their first sexual experience was with an older lady who was either their older sister’s friend, an aunt, a house maid or even their teacher at school. In addition to this, children also act out sexually with other children. This means we have to be careful about the kind of information we expose our children to. A child who has seen pornographic content or who is frequently being exposed to sexual acts by adults, would most likely see it as normal and would act it out with another child when the opportunity presents itself.
  1. All sexual abuse victims are girls: This is also a myth. Even though the rate of boys who have been sexually abused is not as high as those of girls, boys are also sexually abused by both adult men and women. This happens in a lot of boarding schools and other places you find young persons of the same sex sharing a living space over a period of time. You would either find a situation where an unwilling “feminine” boy gets abused by the bigger and stronger boys. This myth also goes hand in hand with the one that says that child molesters only molest children from the opposite gender. This is false.
  1. It is sometimes the fault of children who are sexually abused because they dress provocatively or display provocative behaviour: Now this is one excuse for bad behaviour that a lot of men folk give, to justify rape by their peers, which I absolutely hate! Really? I mean Really??? Does this mean that a man who rapes a 5 year old did so because she dressed provocatively? According to experts, there are two things a rapist looks for when he tracks a victim: opportunity and vulnerability. The thought that provokes such an action is the man’s and has nothing to do with the victims’ actions. Statistics have shown that women who were sexually abused/raped (now I am talking generally) have different characteristics- some were gorgeous, others plain, some were young, others elderly. Some were attacked while wearing jeans and a T-shirt, others while wearing jogging clothes or heavy coats. Some were children (sadly). So sexual abuse should not be excused because of how the victim was dressed.
  2. If children did not want to be sexually abused they could tell the abuser to stop: Now picture this: a 30 year old man who is 6 feet tall and a little 10 year old child.  Now tell me on whose side the scale is tipped in terms of strength, power and persuasion (that is if he is even trying to coax her into being abused)? The adult abuser is usually a person in a higher position, authority, status or age than the victim. Children have also been taught and made to believe that adults are always right. This would definitely prevent a child from stopping or reporting abuse, especially when the abuser has promised to do something for the child or threatened to take something away from him/her . There is a fear that refusal to comply would cause harm to the child, or to other members of the victim’s family. The abuser usually instills fear in the victim, before, during and even after the abuse.
  1. Majority of victims report the abuse to someone else – This is a myth. Victims do not always report abuse because of different reasons like fear, being too young (example is 6 year old Jummai I spoke about in the last post), financial consideration, manipulation and coercion, guilt and shame and believe it or not, a desire to protect the abuser.
  1. Sexual abuses occurring in homes or within families are often isolated, one-time incidents: This belief is false. Statistics show that 71% females and 69% males who experienced Sexual Violence reported more than 1 incident of abuse. In some cases it goes on for many years and only stops after the abuser or victim moves out of the place where the abuse took place, e.g. is when the child becomes older and goes away to boarding school.
  1. Family members who do not know that sexual abuse is happening are always irresponsible: When we hear about sexual abuse, everyone is quick to blame the parents for shirking their responsibilities and not being watchful enough to know that their child/ward is being or has been sexually abused. This is not always the case because to be honest, it is not practically possible for parents to be with their children 24 hours in a day. Especially with our present economic situation where most times both parents have to work to make ends meet. There have also been cases where children of housewives get abused. Abuse occurs firstly, because the offender works hard to keep it a secret. From the story cited above, there was no way that Jummai’s parents, who were both in the house during the time of the abuse happening outside, would have suspected that the driver was abusing their child. This is because the driver worked really hard to keep it a secret, by knowing the schedule of the family. He knew his boss would be having breakfast with his wife at that particular time and the other siblings were not interested in playing outside like Jummai did. Secondly, abusers groom family members to ensure that they do not suspect the abuse. Grooming takes the form of being really nice to the kid, offering to help out with taking care of the child, buying stuff for the child, helping with the child’s home work etc. All of this ensures that the parents do not suspect the abuser.
  1. Non-violent sexual behaviour between an adult and a child is not damaging to the child – This is another myth. Studies have shown that children who were abused either violently (rape) or non-violently were affected negatively in different ways and exhibited behaviours, which include emotional instability, increased sexual behaviour, faulty interaction with others, drug and alcohol abuse and other deviant behaviours. Sexual abuse is linked to poor mental and physical health with outcomes that include self-harm, thoughts of suicide and sexually transmitted infections. Among females that were raped, 1 in 7 reported pregnancy as a result of the sexual violence, 10% of children victims reported missing school due to the sexual violence they experienced, 9% attempted suicide, 6% of the girls who disclosed used drugs or misused substances as against 2% of boys.
  1. Children who are sexually abused are damaged forever: This is false. With proper physical, psychosocial and spiritual support and interventions child victims can move on to live fruitful and purposeful lives.

Now you have it and its time to take action. One cannot say this enough: it is our collective responsibility as parents, teachers, pastors, friends, brothers, and sisters to a potential victim (don’t say God forbid! Remember 1 in 4 girls?), to ensure that child sexual abuse is stopped in its tracks. You can do so by stopping and/or reporting any incidence of child sexual abuse you come across to the appropriate authorities. It is offence against the state, not against the victim alone; this means without the family, the perpetrator can still be prosecuted. We should also educate children about child sexual abuse by telling them what to do when they find themselves in certain uncomfortable situations with adults. We also need to have close relationships with our children so that they won’t hesitate to tell us about inappropriate behaviour towards them by another adult. Time spent preventing child sexual abuse from happening is of far greater value than time spent fixing a child who has been damaged by sexual abuse.

Enjoy the rest of your week folks and don’t do what I would not do. 😀

 

 

photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/15426517@N07/10398665926″>The laughter of all</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/”>(license)</a&gt;

Author: Tosne

I'm a human rights lawyer and I love writing my thoughts down because it allows me to express myself in a permanent form. I like to see women succeed and empowered in all aspects of their endeavors. I'm a super mom blessed with wonderful kids!

13 thoughts on “Protecting the child, a collective responsibility 2”

  1. Well articulated Tosne. I can thoroughly relate with it and I totally agree with the statistics of 1 in every 4 girl. CSA has been in rampant existence for as long as we can imagine. We parents and guardians therefore need to educate our children on what a suspicious adult action is ( no matter how trivial it may seem) and how to raise the red flag.

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  2. First time here and I have to say I’m impressed with the efforts you’re putting into the protection of our children. Keep the good work going .Ex commando

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  3. A friend of mine from another African country confided in me about being abused continuously by her dad’s only brother when she was 9-10yrs old. She was helpless because she had no one to turn to. Her dad was a drunk and her mum was always sad and shut herself off. Now she’s grown and has been in relationships that have been abusive either emotionally or physically, and not married yet.
    She hopes to find closure but I just wonder, how do you confront your childhood abuser if they’re still alive?

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    1. That’s so sad Letitia. I know that a lot of people have gone through this and as a result they find themselves in abusive relationships just as your friend. My heart truly and honestly goes to her. I can imagine how she feels. My advise to her is that in order for her to move on to build healthy future relationships, she would have to first of all work on herself. This can be done through getting professional help to enable her deal with the psychological trauma that she went through as a child. I believe that after she has healed completely she would become a stronger woman and abusive men would no longer be attracted to her and neither would she be attracted to them.

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